Hopefully this one is it..

We just finished another cycle. Another period of time where I feel like I am an alien.

The drugs, the tests the scans and the collection. I feel eveytime it gets a little harder and although this one was a normal length and we got 8 eggs (which is a record by far for us) we only got 3 fertilised and 2 frozen. How did our odds get so bad? We have gone from 2 out of 3, 4 out of 4 to 1 out of 4 and now 2 our of 8! This roller coaster certainly messes with every fibre of me. But I know it is for a great cause and hopefully one day this will all be in the past and we will have an exciting life with one or two or three of them! It's nice to dream but that's all I can do.

Sydney IVF has changed things around this time too. We don't go upstairs anymore for the usual scans instead they have this new you beaut technology on thier premises and they are training up new staff. I was lucky I didn't need to be anywhere but the wait time was getting ridiculous on a few of the appointments. On one of the days last week I waited for 2 hours in a room full of hormonal annoyed women waiting their turn. I actually found it amusing to watch the pacing and questioning of many of them. It actually made my time pass faster.

I guess we all learn when you are doing anything medical time can get silly. I remember once waiting for a scan for 4 1/2 hours in Westmead. We were booked in for 10am and not seen until 2.30pm! It's not always easy to explain to your boss that you are stuck!!

So in total we have 9 frosties and I think I am done. It's hard to put a cap on it because we don't know if any of them will survive and with my body on the downhill slide... Time to get serious about the next steps for us and that is something I have not discussed on here.

We are lucky enough to have been offered by a wonderful lady to carry a child for us, but her circumstances have changed of late there is a lot of uncertainty in general. It's so hard waiting but I know we have time now we have embryos. It's just we were ready 2 years ago preparing for Sophie to be born... we are more than ready now.

Another cycle after a disappointing effort last time.

So the last cycle was 21 days and almost a new record for our Dr!

We got 4 eggs which fertilised... but only one was frozen. The highs and lows of this is insane. 1 out of 4 is not good enough.

The problem is this... only 30% of embryos will survive defrosting! I didn't realise this at all! 30% after all we have gone through and here we were thinking we were kicking goals, but the reality is that we may get 2 survive and then after that they have to cement themselves and grow and get to 12 weeks and not miscarry and we all know birth is not a given.

My Dr also told us that 'my body is behaving menopausal' which is not what we wanted to hear at all. So it means that we have to get as many as we can otherwise I may shut down and then nothing... no more eggs.. no more chances. I am only 36!!

So I am back on it again after a month off. We had a scan on Wednesday, a few follicles were there but it was only day 6. Another scan tomorrow and hopefully there will be improvement. Positive thoughts.. positive thoughts.. grow you good things!

I miss Sophie Cleo and I wish we were no where near as experienced in all this as we are.

Bad mother

So I have completely forgotten to write anything about this cycle so here goes.

Day 1 we start jabs again this time using 400units of Puragon. Day 7 ultrasound.. tiny little 5mm blobs on the screen. Day 10 another scan and bloods. One blob measuring 11mm the rest very small. Day 14 a few more blobs and a little growth, one at 14mm and a couple at 11mm. Day 18 another scan and bloods. 4 blobs at 14mm, the rest around 11mm. Going back on day 21 for more bloods and a scan.

So this cycle is stringing out but there is a problem. We leave for London on Saturday!!! Wed is the next scan and lets hope they are happy with it... else we have to do it again, and after 18 days so far on these drugs I don't really want to do that!!

Patience and happy thoughts needed yet again.

Saturday.. another wait

I spent the day with Kylie and Amanda selling raffle tickets for Bears of Hope so it was a pretty emotional day. I can safely say I am completely shite at trying to force people to buy something! I failed dismally but we got some more awareness raised which is better than any dollar amount.

By 3.15pm we had still not heard anything from IVF.. it is so nerve racking waiting.. waiting! Kylie suggested I call them so I did. They were in the middle of freezing the day's eggs and freezing 3 of ours. No 4 is still trying to grow to that stage so we had to wait overnight.

Monday I left my mobile at home.. grrrr... but I was not expecting another call to be honest. When I got home there was a message telling us that all 4 had made the blacocyst stage and had been frozen!! 100% success this round... WOWWWWW... we now have 6 frosties. That in itself is 6 chances of having a real, live, screaming, gorgeous baby.. a brother or sister for Sophie Cleo. The road is a long one but we have started the hard journey... we are on our way honey!

4 Fertilised!

I am sick as today. Adrian made me stay home from work which I was glad of. Just slept and tried to get this bug out of my system.

Around 11.30am I was woken up by the phone. Kent St nurse Heather was on the other end and had good news for us! All 4 fertilised overnight!!! YAYYYYY. First hurdle after collection done with.

The waiting game continues. Thursday we get the update, then Sat the decision to freeze if they survive and become blastocysts. Grow you good things GROWWWWW!

Collection

The collection went well. We got 4 healthy eggs this time which is a step up from last month!

Hopefully overnight they all partied and we have some fertilised eggies. Waiting for that phone call this morning and the waiting game to continue.

I didn't come out of it too well this time, almost threw up and passed out at the same time. Felt a lot more pain too... perhaps it was because I knew what was coming. As I said.. it's not a pleasant experience but so worth it. I have a fluey thing too which I am sure didn't help.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx fingers!

Collection No.2

Sat morning we headed in for a 7am scan and blood test. There are 4 follicles at 14mm and one at 18mm. I expected them to call and say it is cancelled but at 12.30pm Heather called to say we can trigger at 1am! YAY!! The 5 are looking good.

I am nervous about this one. We were successful last time and this time there is pressure of a different kind. I want more then last time! The trouble is there might be 5 follicles but only 3 eggs like last time.. and then we might lost one again. I want 5 from 5!! I don’t want to have to go through all this another 3-4 times to get what we need but I know I will if I have to.

I also know what I am in for. Let’s face it.. it’s not pleasant! You are given massive needles which you can feel, you feel every movement and it’s not fun at all. The only thing I look forward to is the “champagne” they give you to relax you and the cup of tea the other side. Watching it is an experience I will say that. Seeing the first egg is so exciting and a moment we will remember for a long time.

Adrian keeps reminding me something our Dr said, one egg, one baby. That’s true but this is a numbers game and we need to make sure we don’t lose all our playing cards in the first round.

Bring on 1pm.

Second Cycle - day 13 - Our 3rd Anniversary

Today is our 3rd Wedding Anniversary. Please bring on some good news!

A scan this morning left me feeling lost again. There are 12 follicles, most of which are too small but there is one at 14mm and 4 at 9mm. I expected to get the call to cancel the cycle as there is not a lot there to work with. By now they should all be at 18-20mm. But the call came through and we go in again Sat morning to see if any of them have grown some more. There is still hope although my gut is telling me (and my girly bits) that this one is not reacting as well. Last month I felt full and sore and this month so far there is only a little of that. Amazing how the body tells you even before the test results. Hopefully that 'full feeling' will come over the next few days!

I am beginning to get frustrated by the fact that I can't 'do things' with Adrian. I miss getting close to him especially with all these hormones racing around. Another week wait and we are safe.

Our lives in general are so upside down at the moment.. we need to take a breath and relax.. just not sure when that will happen.

Second Cycle

Back on the drugs and had bloods and an ultrasound on Monday (day 11). We were up in the Hunter for a long weekend (Adrian had a conference too) but it turned out to be rushing around, up there Sunday back Monday, back up Monday afternoon blah blah. I hate rushing around though.. ever since we lost Sophie my stress levels just can't handle it. That and a lot of other things though.

So the ultrasound showed we have 4 follicles over 9mm and a few others which were there but not too big. So now we need to up the Puragon dose from 300 to 400 and see if the little ones grow to match the big ones and they all get to 20mm. I have another scan Thursday and after that we should be given a trigger time, crossing fingers. Hopefully we will get a pick up on the weekend!

What is it with Darwin??

I went to Darwin this weekend to celebrate my best friend's 30th Birthday thinking I would have a lovely weekend with her and her kids but of course nowhere near on cue my period arrives (1 week early) which send me into a complete panic. I called IVF Friday and got no response. Sat morning I tried again and was helped by Karoline. I needed a blood test so found a pathology place and she faxed through the request for bloods. Of course this simple exercise turned into a 3 hour farce.. their fax was not working, there were 40 odd people waiting and I could not book in until I got the fax. I ended up asking the shop next door to help and finally we had the fax! I was stressed and not convinced it would happen at all. Darwin is just so archaic!

I decided to come come early and not jeopardise the cycle so organised to go home Sunday morning. Adrian and I picked up a the drugs from a chemist in town and started the drugs.

This morning I went into Kent Street, had bloods and got the other drugs. Bloods came back great (and finally Darwin's came through!)... we were right to start the cycle! So we are back on Lucrin and Purgeon 300 each day. Time to cross fingers again!

Still no word on the No.3

I take the silence as a bad thing. I called IVF this morning to see how the 3rd embi was going and am waiting for the return call.

Yesterday it was trying to get there but I get the feeling it didn't make it :(

I hope I am wrong.

Still.. we have 2 beautiful frosties waiting for us :)

Day 3 to day 5...

Sunday afternoon we were out house hunting and we got the call to say we had 3 growing nicely. One at 10 cells and 2 at 8 cells! Great work team!!! We are so happy to get this far...This waiting game sure is hard though.. you live day by day watching and waiting for news and hoping that it is all good.

So Monday comes and goes and we wait again. Day 4 over without any hick ups.

Day 5, Tuesday afternoon arrives and we are told we have 2 healthy embies frozen and one which is now a Blastocyst but not far enough to freeze. Thy are waiting overnight to see how it progresses. We are crossing all our fingers and toes!

We have 2 frosties!!!! YAYYYYYYYY!!! We now have 2 placed in cryostorage. They lower their temperature to that of liquid nitrogen (-196°C). At this temperature, embryos can be stored until they are needed for later transfer. A tiny droplet of cryopreservant fluid containing an embryo holds to its vitrification hook.. how amazing!

Now..bring on the 6 month wait...

1, 2, 3 fertilised!!

A phone call this morning at 9am from Heather was nerve racking. You always expect the worst.. it's human nature and let's face it the odds are against us. She asked me how I was feeling and I am good. A little tender but nothing too bad.

"We have good news for you" she said. "All 3 fertilised overnight"!!! I was expecting maybe 1 would not but all 3 is amazing. She told me the odds of that were pretty slim...YAYYYYY AGAIN!

Overnight we went from this...

to this!

Another wait till day 3. Please grow little embies.. grow, grow, grow. Your daddy and I are so excited and hope we can meet you one day.

PS I had a Nephew born today. 4.1 kilos, 52cm and healthy.. no name yet. A gorgeous brother for Oliver. I am so happy for them... I just wish Sophie Cleo could play and laugh with them. I hope she is watching everything that is going on. xo SCR

First collection

Well we did it. At 10am this morning they were able to get 3 eggs! There were 5 follicles but only 3 had mature eggs. YAYYYYYYYY!!! To be honest I was not sure what to expect with the whole procedure but for me it was more emotional that painful. Knowing why we are here and what we have lost made it harder. Adrian was wonderful as he always is. I just wish I could give him what he deserves without all this hassle but we just can't...

So 3 is a start and now we play the waiting game again. The first step is they need to fertilise overnight. From then if they get to day 3 we get a call letting us know their progress. If they continue to day 5 they freeze them. I am crossing everything that we get them over the goal line. Just one for now.. we are not greedy.. just want something to focus on!

We also talked about continuing with the drugs for the next cycle. May as well get as many as we can! I can start the whole thing as soon as I get my next period!

I am grateful I have such a wonderful and understanding husband.

Cross, cross, cross...

New cycle - Day 14

Tuesday 16th Feb – More bloods and an Ultrasound. Today we have 2 at 21mm and 3 around 18mm. I have no idea how much is their minimum for continuing to retrieval? The wait continues! They look like this on the ultrasounds.
I am feeling a little low this morning. So scared that they will cancel because there aren't enough there. This roller coaster is harder than I thought. There are ups and downs almost every day and we are only at the start. I need to calm myself down because we are going to have to continue this for a while yet and I can’t keep being so unlevel. It’s hard though.. so hard. All we want is a couple to get to freeze and I can relax... we can go again but know that there are some there.

Got the call!!! At 2.15pm we are all set to go. 10pm tonight we 'trigger' and 9.30am Thursday we rock and roll!

New cycle - Day 13

Monday 15th Feb – Adrian came with me this morning and it was nice to see big blobs on the screen in front of us. We now have 2 on the right and 4 on the left which are around 18mm. So we lost a few over the weekend but the important ones have gotten bigger. Let’s hope we get the go ahead for collection!!! The waiting game begins again…
Phone call at 2.45pm to say come in again tomorrow for more bloods and another ultrasound. ‘Be prepared for the trigger for tomorrow afternoon’!!

New cycle - Day 10

Friday 12th Feb – Had a scan first thing with bloods. The last cancelled cycle at this point we had 5 follicles on the right at 7mm, not much on the left. This time around there were 7 on the right and 5 on the left ranging in size from 7mm to 15mm. They are meant to be around 17mm at this stage. The positive is they are doing something this time, reacting to the drugs and even if we get nothing this round we know we are heading in the right direction. The sonographer said ‘there should be something to work with there’.

I expected to wait all day for the results but at 11.20am I got the call. The next step is to have another ultrasound on Monday, more bloods and see the progress. YAY!!

New cycle - Day 7

Tuesday 9th Feb – Another blood test. At 2.30pm I am called to say continue with the same doses and come back on Friday for bloods and an ultrasound. Friday is a crap day because Adrian can’t be with me.. and that’s crap. I need him around when these things are happening for our future. This is the part where they decide to cancel or not. If the follicles are not growing fast enough they pull out. GROW YOU BEASTIES, GROW! I guess not changing the medication levels is a good sign but I am so nervous about it all. It just has to work. I am depending on it!

Some days I am prepared for failure after last time then other moments I am lost. Like right now. I could just cry for any reason. Here I sit at my work desk for all to see… public slaying of the freaked out chick out the front. I am sure everyone notices. I feel like they all do but maybe it’s all the hormones. I just feel shitty and sad and want to crawl into a hole. I want to go home and wish the next few days away without too much anxiety.

New cycle - Day 3

Friday 5th Feb - What a bad start to the day when you get on an un air-conditioned train and have to stand up all the way into the city with sweat dripping in places you don’t want it to! This is Sydney NOT Singapore!!

Second blood test and we wait again. I bruised yesterday so we had to do the other arm. At 1.10pm I got the phone call with the usual line “are you able to talk’ which generally sends me into complete fear like they are about to tell me something terrible! So tonight I start on Lucrin and the FHS Purgeon tomorrow. Back onto 2 jabs a day for a week. Tuesday I go back in for more bloods to see if we are on the right track. Oh I bloody well hope so!!

New cycle

Thursday 4th Feb - New cycle. Had a blood test today at IVF… wait all afternoon for the results. At 3.10pm Heather calls to tell me I need to come back tomorrow. My Estrogen levels are too high and the cycle would crash if we started the drugs today. WHAT??? I have my period how can they be too high? I asked why this happens and she said sometimes the hormone levels need time to respond to the cycle bleeding. I am going to know more about my body than I ever cared to know!

So I go in again tomorrow for the same test in the hope that my levels will go below 200 and we can start the drugs. The wait continues…