Our little man is here!

Ok I have been incredibly slack in updating but there is a wonderful reason and I will get to all the gores eventually :)

After waiting what seems like an eternity at 3.36am on Thursday 19th July little Hamish Donavan Raftery entered the world. We really cannot put into words how we feel because I don’t think there are any that truly mirror them.

Just after birth..wow!

Mummy and Daddy

Meeting his Tummy Mummy face to face. What an amazing job you did V! :)

Hamish is perfect and here with us and sleeping in the same room. That is something beyond words.

Wonderful day

Happy is not a word I would use... we are extatic! Bruiser is perfect in everyway. The 19 weeks scan gave us continued hope we will get to have this little one in our arms. We cannot wait!

2cms!!!

Our midwife appointment yesterday afternoon was exciting! We found out V is 2 cm's dilated!!! YAYYY.. things are happening :)


She also opted for the stretch and sweep where the midwife tries to get the membranes to detach from the cervix and start the process. At first V thought there might be a few niggles but a night of wishing didnt make it happen. Positive thinking will work!!!

It was so cute though, Toni the midwife touched bub's head and the heartrate went up! The little one got excited or annoyed that it's head was being poked. First human touch.. awwww. A big turning point.. this really is happening.. and soon!

Our bags are packed (have been for weeks) and we are ready.. READY, SET.. GO!!

38 + weeks

38 weeks... it feels like this is never going to happen.. and I am not the one with all the heavy baby :)

V is over it. Bruiser is getting bigger every day and is sitting very low which adds to the uncomfortable life she is living for us. Almost every time she goes out now someone says how "big or huge" she is and then they go into detail about how their last few weeks of pregnancy was so hard. It's their right as a mother to spill out stories of painful kicks, sore rob cages and breathless days. Cut the crap ladies. I know you dont generally get to whinge about those last few weeks of your pregnancies but seriously.. go find another pregnant lady to hassel!

Adrian and I have been pretty calm about everything and I was feeling really comfortable until last week when a girlfrield of mine had serious complications at birth and her little man Benjamin passed away. What happened to her was so reminiscent of what we went through with Sophie it was a little too close to the bone and it really affected me.

The problem is my anxiety was rubbing off on V which was terrible, so I have now taken a step back from my fears and I have realised this is different. There is no connection or correlation to my friend or what we went through with Sophie. She/He is safe and happy and will come out when He/She is ready. There is no way we can change our outcome we just have to ride the wave and believe this is our time.

So hurry up our time. V needs some sleep and we need a lack of sleep from staring at our beautiful little addition.

36 weeks!!

Slack, slack, slack with this posting business!! 36 weeks this week! Wow.... Bruiser is growing so beautifully and V is doing an amazing job, but well, is over it as you would expect :) Every day things are getting really hard for her so hopefully my being around is a good thing to help. Adrian was down for the long weekend and has just gone back :( My room at V's is full of stuff for Bruiser which I love having around. It makes me all warm and fuzzy! We have had a few midwife appts, all good and we have another one on Wednesday this week. After that there is one more appt then weekely visits. V is hoping we get to 37 weeks so we can be in the birthing area of the hospital rather than the delivery area. Looks like her wish will be granted :) I just hope we won't go over too far. We have a photo shoot this afternoon. V won a shoot in a competition with our story and it was going to be last Sat but Canberra was raining and dismal so it was postponed. Hopefully the sun will continue to try and stay out for us today! Last sat we also tried for a 4D scan. Tried is the word as there is not a whole lot of room in there anymore and we just couldn't get Bruiser to move her/his head to the scanner! We poked and prodded, V even jumped up and down but nope, bub was nooooot moving. We got some partial face shots bug that's about it. We really should have gone earlier!! Waiting, waiting, waiting. Bruiser will be here before we know it!

Update.. finally ...and we are 28 weeks!!

So much is happening at the moment and I have been slack keeping this up to date. The whole purpose for me is to keep a record of all that we went through so Bruiser can see how much s/he was wanted and how special they are. So I will try and fill in the blanks.

We have had the hospital visit to see where s/he will be born. The Birthing suite seems quite relaxed and fortunately for us there was no one in them at the time. I think I would have reacted a little worse than I did.

Toni ran through what would/could happen and then checked V over, asked the usual questions about pregnancy and we got to hear the heartbeat again. It really is the best sound ever when you thought you many never get the chance to hear it again.

Towards the end of the appointment I found myself getting really anxious, it was something that I wasn’t aware of, nor expected but it happened. I actually felt psychically sick and I guess there are so many reasons why that happened. It is real, we are having a baby and it’s completely wonderful. But nothing will take away losing Sophie and having fear this time with Bruiser. It’s just life. We will cope. V will be our amazing as she always has been through this process, and Adrian and I, well we will deal with it all no matter how anxious we feel.

I think deep down I doubt myself. Will I be a good mum? I am sure that is the question we all ask. Of course a few weeks later and doing the nursery I have no doubts I will be a great mum. But there are moments when I am alone, or thinking of how hard this journey has been that I will crack.. I think that is a normal reaction no matter history when having a baby but the question is for the most fleeting.

So Easter came and went. V had an assignment due se we offered to take the kids out for the day. We headed to BB and while it seemed to take forever it was worth it in the end. The kids loved it and so did Zippah! We found a dog friendly beach and we are pretty sure it was his first beach experience. After a big day out we were all pretty tired at the end of it… and V almost get her assignment done (with the help of some chocky eggs!).

I finish work tomorrow. Wow… that is a milestone for me. I didn’t get to finish work with Sophie. I went to work on the Thursday and woke up Friday in a world of pain to head to hospital.

Bruiser is growing so well! V is doing an amazing job and eating herself silly (she is carrying a Raftery after all ). I have tried a few times to feel s/his kicks and I finally did at Easter after days of avoiding my efforts. There is was a little bump.. small from the outside but I felt it! V tells me now that you can feel them a lot more now from the outside. That is so exciting!

We are madly preparing our house for Bruiser’s arrival. Nursery is being painted, and a few odds and ends done around the house. Our bedroom is sorted with the cradle and change table and I washed a lot of things new bibs, wraps etc that we had on the weekend. I hung them out early Sunday morning and I got Adrian out of bed to show him. Another milestone.. hanging washing out. It looked so cute. We smiled so much seeing the little tiny things on our clothes line. Wow…

I am heading to Singapore tomorrow to see A,A,D & D, something I have been tyring to do since February! I am excited about that as it’s been 16 months and the boys have grown soooo much! They move to Haige in November so they will be further away, but it’s also a great excuse to visit another part of the world. AD is really good at keeping in contact and sends photos and messages when the boys are doing something cute or funny and we try and Skype regularly as well. It makes them feel like they really aren’t too far away.

While I want to go away, I want to be here to to sort everything out at home. Leaving Adrian to it all for 10 days!

21 weeks!!

I know I have been completely slack with my updates and the baby is not even here to blame!! I did leave my laptop at V’s last week which gives me a weeks grace.. but what a week it was!!
 
So, what’s been happening…
 
We have had 2 midwife visits, 17 and 19 weeks and both times we got to hear Bruiser’s heartbeat!! It is simply the most wonderful thing hearing that thumping away :) Toni our Midwife was lovely and we both felt quite comfortable with her knowledge. Of course she was comfortable with our situation which is also important to us all. One of the questions she asked was whether I would like to ‘catch the baby’! Now that question came completely from left of field.. but how amazing that I may be able to do that! Adrian still feels like he can’t be in the room but I don’t want him to miss a thing with this little miracle. He has agreed that he doesn’t make a decision and just see how it all pans out on the day.
 
We are going through Canberra Hospital Birthing Suite all going well. I was relieved to know that if Little Bruiser comes early we would be headed straight into the hospital section but if it’s after 38 weeks we can use the birthing suite. V prefers this and our decision was really for her comfort as she’s doing all the hard work. We will be scared anyway given our past and it’s not like the Obstetrics professionals did the right thing by us with Sophie so I think different is better for us all.
 
Last Friday we had out 19 week scan and surprise surprise the date has been moved. We are now sitting at July 9!!!! YAYYYYYYY!!! All the stats were perfect but for the head measurement which was about a week ahead. I am so happy Bruiser is moving along in leaps and bounds but I may have to say sorry to V at a later date :)
 
We had V’s DS with us (5 yr old) who was rather excited to see the baby! Was funny explaining to him about black and white screens and pointing the different bits we could make out. I really don’t think he was convinced though. I mean a heart looks like this doesn’t it!?
 
V is also being kicked and punched! Bruiser seems to be giving it a real go.. the more the merrier I say. It makes us all at ease the truth be known!
 
And on more news we have finally told everyone!!! We called my mum and dad and Adrian’s mum after the scan. Adrian’s mum cried and laughed (At least I think that’s what it was) and my mum got so excited she had to call back to ask if it was ok to tell people… GO FOR IT MUM :):):)
 
So all is happy and on track. We have another appointment on the Thursday before Easter where we are visiting the hospital to see what we are in for!

Yay we have a scan booked for the 17th February :) We get to have another better look at Bruiser and see how they are growing. We will also find out if little one is a boy or a girl!!! V thinks LB is a girl, I think LB is a girl and Adrian is not sure but I think is batting for the boys on this just to be different. Either way we win! :) 5 weeks is going to take forever!!
 
Adrian and I are starting to get used to the idea that in a few months there will be a little one with us. The walls are coming down and we are actually looking at baby things rather than turning away because it hurts too much. There is hope again. This little one is already so loved and it going to bring so much happiness to our lives. We cannot wait to share it with them.
 
On the home front we have had a busy month. Of course the silly season was upon us and we had a lot of family stay with us. It was lovely to have our house full, lot of people coming and going and the air filled with laughter.
 
We also added to our menagerie. We adopted Zippah the last Black Lab we rescued as Bella fell in love with him. He actually went to a family and came back to us as their cat was launching itself at him and he was terrified! So we saw that as a sign and the fact that Bella was soooo happy having him around to keep him. But that also meant we cannot foster for a while. Sammy who is now 14 (over 100 in Lab years) is getting really old now and we want her to enjoy her time rather than hide when more fosters come through. She is chilling most days in her fav spot near our side gate where it's cool and she can see everything happening out the front! This decision also led us to our next addition.
 
Guinness a gorgeous 10 week old Black Kitten who was dumped and hand raised by the local vet. He has slotted in perfectly, not phased by the dogs and lovvvves the rabbits, especially Tilly! He is also a BIG sook and loves to cuddle every chance he gets (after playing and eating of course) which I especially love! Today though Guinness woke up not playing and very sick. He ignored milk and CHICKEN! A trip to the vet revealed a urinary tract blockage (only small thankfully) which could have been lethal if not fixed. Maxi had the same thing at 18 months old 8 years ago and has since been on a strict non preservative diet.. Guinness will be on it now… pretty bad for a 12 week old kitten. Hopefully he will be home tonight :)
 
Let’s not forget Tilly who is going really well! She had a huge operation just before Christmas to remove cysts from her jaw. It’s often fatal for a rabbit but after drains and squeezing twice a day for a month she seems to be on the mend (crossing everything!!). There is still a lot of gunk coming out but it’s less than before and she is happy and hopping around everywhere.. and she loves Guinness :)
 
Our house is ‘semi’ back to normal. Our visitors have gone. Bella, Ziggy and Emma are all well and the beautiful King Parrot baby who popped in on us on Sunday has sadly moved on.
 

NT scan at 13 weeks!

We are now all breathing a sign of relief :) LB is doing wonderfully! She wiggled and moved around so much the sonographer had trouble getting some of the measurements at first. Then she held her had to her face and kept it there just to annoy her! It took to the end of the session for the sonographer to get a look at her nasal bone but we got there.


Nuchal translucency ultrasound today can be scary.. measuring and lots of silences. The sonographer had never done a surrogacy case and was a little confused about how it all worked. Regardless the measurements were within the normal range, and the crown-rump length put her at 13w gestation with a Heart rate of 155bpm. So exciting!!
A perfect picture for a perfect little one (V is conviced LB is a girl)!! Either is perfect with us :)



We can't wait to see you next time little one!

7 week scan

Seriously do we care about what bits are where on the ultrasound?? The sonographer pushed us to the limit and gave us NOTHING for what seemed like an eternity. Then she turned the screen and showed V where all her internals are and what ovary she ovulated from... ahhhemmmmm... WT?? HURRY THE HELL UP! We know it's all healthy.. that's how we all got here!

The news was great :) Bruiser is pushing out a heart beat at 132bpm and it looked wonderful.. not that you can really tell at that point, but finally there was a smile from her and it was all good. PHEW... the tension really sucked! There was the beautiful heartbeat, pump, pump, pump... then the scan was over! They didn't spend half as much time on it as they did with LT... I guess because Bruiser is healthier :)

I cried... V cried.. and I cried a whole lot more... How can you not when you see the very real possibility right in front of you.

So we got the pics and an official letter from CFC saying we have a viable pregnancy... which is AWESOME :)))))))

Bloods in the afternoon came back at 63,357... but after seeing the healthy measurements and heartbeat the hCG which was soooo important in the beginning seemed irrelevant. Still that is what we will be holding onto over the coming weeks to make sure LB is going ok.

Lets just hope V doesn't get too much of the dizziness she has been experiencing over the coming weeks. While it's not great for her, it seems it's a good thing with blood flow to Bruiser. Hopefully there is common ground and it's good for both without too much issue.

We just need to hold our breath until after Christmas for the next scan.

Grow Little Bruiser... we are all sending you the best vibes possible! xo

Not counting really..

Tomorrow is the scan. 10am is the time. I cannot wait to see Bruiser growing strong.

V was sick last night. She was dizzy, faint, nauseous and exhausted. I didn't experience anything like that with my pregnancies but every one is different. After an orange and a rest it went away but it took a few hours. Of course we googled, and we found these symptoms were very common and linked to low blood pressure in the first trimester. Let's hope it was a one off!

The documentary we are participating in popped its head up again yesterday and again there was a mad panick which fizzled. They will hopefully film the big scan at 12 weeks but that will not be at CFC. So I guess we have to go through the whole getting access for the film crew etc. I am sure it will work out in the end.

Am off to visit a few puppies we cuddled and fostered tonight. Very exciting to see their homes and cuddle them some more!

Our focus is on Bruiser right now though.. See you tomorrow little friend :)

Today I have a spring in my step. Some days life can be like that but the last few years those days have been few and far between. I feel good finally.. my flu has gone..I am sleeping again and there is a very real possibility that we will have a baby in July next year!!!! I keep telling myself not to get too excited but it's like something in universe is telling me this is the one!

I can’t believe we are here… (and yes we have been here before) but the scan is next week and Bruiser is growing so well. hCG on Tuesday 25dpo was 11,547.. that is good.. that is great! Bruiser is above the norm and keeping its head above water. Of course the scan will be nerve-wracking but this time we have zero doubts as there have been no concerns. It is so nice not to be Goggling constantly to try and make sense of the unknown.. this time it's been all great simple Goggling for levels.

I am heading to Canberra to visit V and the Kids next week and am looking forward to seeing them. D is overseas at the moment so I can at least help her with rest and try and keep the kids occupied as much as possible.

On another happy not the puppy we have in foster at the moment was behaving badly and we thought he might not be re-home able, but with some great training techniques given to me by 'The Dog Listener' we have made real progress and he’s now up on the web to find a family!! YAYYYY! It has been hard and tedious but it’s working! I am also off to see The Dog Whisperer tonight. I think I got the last ticket in Sydney and I decided at the last minute after working out the week ahead... very excited about that and I hope I learn a few things in his show!

The waiting game..

With IVF you know so early and you follow every step which is excruciating. The next few months can't go fast enough!

Adrian and I have made the decision not to tell anyone about what is going on at the moment. It's really hard.. We want to yell it from the rafters but we have to wait this time.

This weekend was a test. We had my parents down and it was so hard not to tell them!! We were asked and the standard at the moment is we are waiting for the next cycle and are being monitored. It's not a complete fib.. We are being 'monitored' but for post not pre. But this time we will wait. Adrian's mum asks constantly which is hard but her wait will be worth it in the end :)

At least we were kept busy!

Tomorrow is another big day. Next blood work and hopefully a booking for a scan. We should have high enough hCG!! It has to be over 1000 and going on current levels...well lets not get too carried away :)

I have an app on my phone and with V's cycle dates it shows us hitting 6 weeks on Thursday. I think we are a little behind though as Bruiser took a little time to implant. Kylie... Wait!!!!! Patience is seriously required now...

DPO 18

788, 788, 788 and looking fabulous!! Go Bruiser Go :)

Last time with LT the results at 18dpo were only 287 and that was when we knew something may not be right.

The results at this stage are really promising. We are at the high side of normal and fighting fit.

Wonderful wonderful news!

Wasting time

It's a strange time this waiting time. Waiting to see if things work.. if the embie grows and grows in the right way for survival. This waiting is not normal in any way..It tests patience. It tests more than most people can imagine.

Bring on tomorrow for more fantastic news!! :)

14dpo

All looking good! Today's test had an hCG 160, progesterone 161. Yay, double yay, tripple yay!!!!

We are in the normal range for growth. Keep on growing little one :)

I am finally starting to feel normal again although there is still congestion and I still can't hear in my left ear I am finally on the mend. Adrian went to the Gold Coast yesterday for International Rules and is back this afternoon. I am cleaning again :( At least the weather is lovely here!!

The Best news..

Monday V went in for a blood test which, 10dpo and at that stage there can be some hormone registered. Monday it was 10.1. Surely that is a step in the right direction? Last month it was a 0.. so surely this has to be ok?

Tuesday we got a text message from V... It was POSITIVE!!!!! She could not wait and did a home test which shows when hCG gets to 25... and it appeared! :) That has to be a YES!



Positive! :)

Wednesday 12pdo was the second blood test... hCG 63!! Woooo HOOOOOOO!!! The little 'Bruiser' as V so politely put it has sunk itself into her living and is growing!! YAY YAY YAY!!!

Location photo of where I was when I heard the news... YAY!!

The best news!

Tomorrow 14dpo is another test to confirm the rise.. of course it will be going strong cause this little embie is concentrating hard on growing big and strong...Go Brusier Go... I can feel it :)

Third Time..

Third time lucky.. there I said it. I didn't want to jinx it but it is going to be the third time lucky!

After yesterdays freak out session Adrian called the clinic to be told that 3 survived and 2 had been frozen again! After all that we only lost the one. I am still confused as to why it all happened but in any case we managed to get a happy little embie for the transfer.

Unfortunately or fortunately for V I am sick and stuck in Sydney so she had to go it alone for the transfer today. After doing it a few times she was comfortable with it and she had very few nerves this time. It's such a quick session for such an amazing outcome when you think about it.

V called me after around 2.20pm to tell me everything went smoothly and that the little embryo was hatching already. That is a good sign as cracking that shell seems to be a hard task and it was doing it in a dish so it's surely got to love the new cosy environment it is now in!

Sticky thoughts little embie...find that perfect place and latch on. We are all waiting for you out here in the big world to join us!

Hard to stay positive

So this clinic just called me about the defrosting. There is a form we have to sign each cycle that tells them how many embryos you would like them to thaw to get a healthy and happy embie. I remember putting in this one 4 thinking well if we get down to it surely that's just back up and there they will still be able find survivors. WELL the call set me back.They have thawed all 4 as the first few were not looking great after the defrost!

The comment was they probably won't survive, well at least one will hopefully... How do we go from 7 to 3 in one day??? That took me months of hard IVF to get that little lot and they are gone? How flat, beaten and completely un womanly do I feel now. This baby making thing is supposed to be natural and easy but for some of us it's HARD and UNFAIR.

I try and keep my feelings of  worthlessness under wraps but it's days like these that they come steamrolling over me again. The hospital system took our daughter from us and my possibility of ever carrying a child. They knew the risks and they 'waited'. That wait cost us more than anyone could ever know.

Then rules and red tape of Surrogacy in NSW made us go through IVF to freeze for 'quarantine' and now we are 2 years on.

It's truly hard to focus on the positive when all that seems to be thrown to us is the complete opposite. It's hard to see we have 4 embryos left.. one surviving the freeze (hopefully) for the transfer tomorrow...but the reality is none of them may survive.

I keep thinking about the IVF Dr who kept telling us 'one embryo, one baby'. It makes complete sense unless you step into our shoes and then nothing makes sense and statistics mean nothing. 30% this, 30% that.. I am sick of hearing about odds. We got them from every angle with Sophie and now again we hear them. It's almost a way of Dr's justifying themselves and their profession.

Negative :(

We had a negative with the transfer but I forgot to post as usual! It sucks but there are worse things, much worse. While it is hard to be on this roller coaster when we are on it, strapped in there is always a chance.

At least this time around the negative meant if V was OK things should run fairly smoothly for another transfer and fortunately she is and we are doing another one tomorrow!