Omg

So nervous this time around. I feel completely sick. And I know it's not the enormous cheesecake I just had!!

V and I are trying to pass the time but it's taking sooooo long 

Round two...

Today is transfer day and implant day... (thinking positively!!) It seems like an eternity to get here but we made it. The roller coaster continued but we are here again!

Sticky thoughts.. Positive thoughts.

1.30pm here we come!!

Goodbye little one...

I have not wanted to write this last week because to be honest it has been completely shite. The worst was confirmed at the ultrasound. Baby Raftery had not grown past 6.3 days and there was no heartbeat. There it was in black and white, the same picture we saw the week before but no movement. I wanted to yell out and question the sonographer but what good would that do? Are you sure.. maybe you're not doing it right? You make mistakes too...just move the probe back a little.. I am sure I saw something! I wish I saw something..I am sure I saw something flicker...

We were supposed to be over 8 weeks and looking forward to the 12 week scan but were saying goodbye.

I waited for the call from V all week which was excruciating. You know it is going to happen but it's still longest wait.. at least it was only a week. She starter spotting on Thursday which meant no need for the D&C which was booked on Friday... but nothing really started until Friday night, and it really started.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. People can tell you what will happen but your natural instinct is to blow it off. V freaked out. I knew what could happen but I freaked out and jumped in the car for Canberra. I had had a busy week.. I was tired but this was way too important to not go. I needed to be there.. this was our baby.. our flesh and blood and I needed to be there.

The hours were slow and I was off the planet...the drive seemed like an eternity.

By the time I arrived V had a clam about her I had not seen before. She had never been here before either and didn't really know what to expect. The bleeding had escalated to almost and emergency visit, then just as it began subsided and all was ok.

I was able to help in a small way by taking to kids out the next day and letting V sleep, have drugs and relax. I can't help her go through this but I can be there if that makes sense. But it is hard...

The Dr said there is no reason, these things 'just happen' and again we were given the typical 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I for one am completely sick of hearing that statistic. They think if they give you this information everything will be ok.. but it's not and it changes nothing.

Thanks for the therapy but we already know this. We have lived and breathed it all before and this path has attempted to comfort us too many times. It seems to me a way the medical field tries to calm you down when the worst happens.

When we lost Sophie they gave us the '6 babies are stillborn every day in Australia'. Seriously, is that supposed to help? Should that calm you down when you are holding a baby in your arms who's eyes you will never see? Well fortunately (or unfortunately) it did initially. We were grasping at anything to help the pain, to try and understand what happened. But it should never have happened.. never ever.

So for me at least stats no longer hold up (I can't speak for my Husband who is still ever hopeful in everything in life). Statistics are all bullshit and averages never apply to me. I was 1 in 150,000 to rupture.  I survived when my husband was told I had a 50:50 chance to live the catastrophe. I have about a 98% chance I will rupture if I ever tried to carry again.

You know what pisses me off even more? No mater what we have endured we STILL have a 1 in 4 chance of miscarriage! I have to hope that the universe is good to us.. good to us all next time.. if we get a next time. I can't say I believe in God after all that has happened.. I didn't after losing Sophie if I am completely honest.

This is tiring and emotional and NOT FAIR. Just give us a chance universe.. one chance.

Tomorrow will tell us...

I am heading to Canberra today for the scan tomorrow and also to spend time with V and her kids. They were up here last weekend but the kids were sick and out of sorts. Unfortunately Adrian and I now have some lurgy possibly left over from runny noses but you get that! I am glad her kiddies are feeling much better.

While I know there is little chance of a good result tomorrow I still live in hope... crazy I know but I know it has to be our turn for goods news soon!

What can you say?

Right now I feel like I have been run over by a truck.  hCG was 25,000 and Progesterone was 24 which means that we are on the downhill slide as predicted and the 'LT' as V has been calling it is leaving us. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

The Dr still tells us there is hope but after 5 days of ups and downs and then seeing the blood results there is no hope. Things don't turn around at this point and I would rather honesty than feed us hope. We have a scan on Friday to determine how everything is going and while my heart so wants this to all be better and kick the odds my head is preparing me the other option.

When you sit through all the counselling you talk about this as a possibility but it's never a reality. They don't talk about how hard it is hard watching someone else lose your child... no matter how small it is. I cannot do anything.. I cannot change this outcome.. we can do nothing...and I hate that! I won't bleed and I don't feel pregnant and I have to watch this whole process unfold. I guess I can liken it to what Adrian went through watching me with our losses... but there really is no comparison.

I am trying to reason with myself, there must be a problem and it's for the best... well FUCK THE BEST. For a reason WHAT reason??? Why do drug additced, abusive assholes get to have kids when we go through this? It's just not fair!

When do we get cut come slack, all of us...my husband, V, her family! They are doing something so amazing, so unbelievably wonderful and it gets taken away in the blink of an eye. I can handle not being a mum here on earth but I cannot handle my wonderful husband being denied that.

I say again one word... WHY?

Big day...

I would be lying if I said I wad not completely and utterly nervous about today's results. My stomach is churning and my palms.. Well just thinking about the phone call... I feel sick!

I spent ages again on Google last night finding so many positive stories similar to ours with healthy babies at the end. I hope with everything that is us!

Please little one find enough strength in you to keep going. We understand it might be too hard for you but just one last try... please!!

The last few days is a blur...

Being completely honest things have turned to shit! I am in a perpetual state of nothingness and the cloud is back, for good this time at least I think anyway.

I caught a train from Strathfield to Canberra on Wednesday night for the Thursday morning scan. I was so tired from a long day and when I finally got to V's she told me the clinic had moved our time to an earlier slot. Great.. lets get it done, enjoy the rest of the day and make sure V does some study for her exam on the weekend!

We went into the scanning room with so much hope. I watched all the measurements just like an expectant father, as the sonogropher tapped away. I watched intently because I kept telling myself if I saw a heartbeat everything would be fine...and after a few minutes I saw it.. the little flicker I saw with Sophie.. so small, so fast, beating away and I relaxed completely. All would be fine I told myself.

The sonographer asked how far we were and it we should be just over 7 weeks... the baby was measuring 6.2 weeks which was a week behind. The more worrying part was it's beautiful little heartbeat. Although it looked like it was beating so fast it is way below what it should be at 94bpm. At this stage it should be 120 at least and that together with the slow growth seems to mean we are waiting for the worst (Sophie's was 128bpm her 6 week scan).

Why does an embryo get this far, get a heartbeat and then go no further! It would have been easier to see an empty sac!

After many tears and hours of Google reading story after story we felt a little better in the knowledge that it 'may' be ok. The little embie might be on the way 'up' and not on the way down. There are so many happy endings with similar starts.. maybe that will be our ending, a happy one!

We have played Tag with the Dr for a few days and neither of us have spoken to her directly. She managed to get hold of Adrian on Friday and the conversation was more about expecting the worst with the scan results. BUT she had seen cases that turned around and were perfectly normal.

hCG was 21,000 which was great.. it was doing as it should but how is it a week behind?? Tuesday (which is now tomorrow) there are bloods to see any progress and by then if things are ok they will be around 40,000. Depending on that outcome we will be having another scan either later this week or earlier next week.

The only thing I know is this roller coaster is at full speed in such a short time. Is that our answer? We have been behind 'average' most of the way and now it's official we are behind in size and heartbeat. Were we ignoring the obvious all this time? We are all trying to be positive but it's so hard. Positivity means nothing.. it cannot change nor alter this outcome... nature will do as it has always done.

All we can do is hope we are in the up side of these results and moving forward. Tomorrow will be the biggest day so far with all we now know and we will be crossing everything.. by 2pm we will have some sort of answer to this numb limo we are in.. at least that is the only way I can describe it.