Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Goodbye little one...

I have not wanted to write this last week because to be honest it has been completely shite. The worst was confirmed at the ultrasound. Baby Raftery had not grown past 6.3 days and there was no heartbeat. There it was in black and white, the same picture we saw the week before but no movement. I wanted to yell out and question the sonographer but what good would that do? Are you sure.. maybe you're not doing it right? You make mistakes too...just move the probe back a little.. I am sure I saw something! I wish I saw something..I am sure I saw something flicker...

We were supposed to be over 8 weeks and looking forward to the 12 week scan but were saying goodbye.

I waited for the call from V all week which was excruciating. You know it is going to happen but it's still longest wait.. at least it was only a week. She starter spotting on Thursday which meant no need for the D&C which was booked on Friday... but nothing really started until Friday night, and it really started.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. People can tell you what will happen but your natural instinct is to blow it off. V freaked out. I knew what could happen but I freaked out and jumped in the car for Canberra. I had had a busy week.. I was tired but this was way too important to not go. I needed to be there.. this was our baby.. our flesh and blood and I needed to be there.

The hours were slow and I was off the planet...the drive seemed like an eternity.

By the time I arrived V had a clam about her I had not seen before. She had never been here before either and didn't really know what to expect. The bleeding had escalated to almost and emergency visit, then just as it began subsided and all was ok.

I was able to help in a small way by taking to kids out the next day and letting V sleep, have drugs and relax. I can't help her go through this but I can be there if that makes sense. But it is hard...

The Dr said there is no reason, these things 'just happen' and again we were given the typical 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I for one am completely sick of hearing that statistic. They think if they give you this information everything will be ok.. but it's not and it changes nothing.

Thanks for the therapy but we already know this. We have lived and breathed it all before and this path has attempted to comfort us too many times. It seems to me a way the medical field tries to calm you down when the worst happens.

When we lost Sophie they gave us the '6 babies are stillborn every day in Australia'. Seriously, is that supposed to help? Should that calm you down when you are holding a baby in your arms who's eyes you will never see? Well fortunately (or unfortunately) it did initially. We were grasping at anything to help the pain, to try and understand what happened. But it should never have happened.. never ever.

So for me at least stats no longer hold up (I can't speak for my Husband who is still ever hopeful in everything in life). Statistics are all bullshit and averages never apply to me. I was 1 in 150,000 to rupture.  I survived when my husband was told I had a 50:50 chance to live the catastrophe. I have about a 98% chance I will rupture if I ever tried to carry again.

You know what pisses me off even more? No mater what we have endured we STILL have a 1 in 4 chance of miscarriage! I have to hope that the universe is good to us.. good to us all next time.. if we get a next time. I can't say I believe in God after all that has happened.. I didn't after losing Sophie if I am completely honest.

This is tiring and emotional and NOT FAIR. Just give us a chance universe.. one chance.

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