Friday, October 28, 2011

Third Time..

Third time lucky.. there I said it. I didn't want to jinx it but it is going to be the third time lucky!

After yesterdays freak out session Adrian called the clinic to be told that 3 survived and 2 had been frozen again! After all that we only lost the one. I am still confused as to why it all happened but in any case we managed to get a happy little embie for the transfer.

Unfortunately or fortunately for V I am sick and stuck in Sydney so she had to go it alone for the transfer today. After doing it a few times she was comfortable with it and she had very few nerves this time. It's such a quick session for such an amazing outcome when you think about it.

V called me after around 2.20pm to tell me everything went smoothly and that the little embryo was hatching already. That is a good sign as cracking that shell seems to be a hard task and it was doing it in a dish so it's surely got to love the new cosy environment it is now in!

Sticky thoughts little embie...find that perfect place and latch on. We are all waiting for you out here in the big world to join us!

Hard to stay positive

So this clinic just called me about the defrosting. There is a form we have to sign each cycle that tells them how many embryos you would like them to thaw to get a healthy and happy embie. I remember putting in this one 4 thinking well if we get down to it surely that's just back up and there they will still be able find survivors. WELL the call set me back.They have thawed all 4 as the first few were not looking great after the defrost!

The comment was they probably won't survive, well at least one will hopefully... How do we go from 7 to 3 in one day??? That took me months of hard IVF to get that little lot and they are gone? How flat, beaten and completely un womanly do I feel now. This baby making thing is supposed to be natural and easy but for some of us it's HARD and UNFAIR.

I try and keep my feelings of  worthlessness under wraps but it's days like these that they come steamrolling over me again. The hospital system took our daughter from us and my possibility of ever carrying a child. They knew the risks and they 'waited'. That wait cost us more than anyone could ever know.

Then rules and red tape of Surrogacy in NSW made us go through IVF to freeze for 'quarantine' and now we are 2 years on.

It's truly hard to focus on the positive when all that seems to be thrown to us is the complete opposite. It's hard to see we have 4 embryos left.. one surviving the freeze (hopefully) for the transfer tomorrow...but the reality is none of them may survive.

I keep thinking about the IVF Dr who kept telling us 'one embryo, one baby'. It makes complete sense unless you step into our shoes and then nothing makes sense and statistics mean nothing. 30% this, 30% that.. I am sick of hearing about odds. We got them from every angle with Sophie and now again we hear them. It's almost a way of Dr's justifying themselves and their profession.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Negative :(

We had a negative with the transfer but I forgot to post as usual! It sucks but there are worse things, much worse. While it is hard to be on this roller coaster when we are on it, strapped in there is always a chance.

At least this time around the negative meant if V was OK things should run fairly smoothly for another transfer and fortunately she is and we are doing another one tomorrow!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

The wait game...

Well we got through it!

The Dr was late which made things seem worse. Thank goodness to V's new smartphone to keep her occupied.. and me.. well I just sat and sat and sat. When I am really nervous I can't speak so you can imagine how quiet this waiting room was. Still it's not the place for much conversation because everyone is so nervous!

The procedure went fast again although this time there was no pain for V which is nice! Last time there was a grabber and that was not so nice :( The tube was checked to make sure it had actually been 'placed' and we were off again! It seriously is such a small quick process for something so HUGE.

So we wait again! This bit ISSSSSSS painful and there is nothing you can do. It's up to the embie and the environment to get comfortable, nothing more. No drugs, no science, no prayers, it's nature and the human race will never truly understand why it works or it doesn't.

V has a blood test tomorrow to see if there are any hormones.. cross everything for us!!