Tomorrow will tell us...

I am heading to Canberra today for the scan tomorrow and also to spend time with V and her kids. They were up here last weekend but the kids were sick and out of sorts. Unfortunately Adrian and I now have some lurgy possibly left over from runny noses but you get that! I am glad her kiddies are feeling much better.

While I know there is little chance of a good result tomorrow I still live in hope... crazy I know but I know it has to be our turn for goods news soon!

What can you say?

Right now I feel like I have been run over by a truck.  hCG was 25,000 and Progesterone was 24 which means that we are on the downhill slide as predicted and the 'LT' as V has been calling it is leaving us. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

The Dr still tells us there is hope but after 5 days of ups and downs and then seeing the blood results there is no hope. Things don't turn around at this point and I would rather honesty than feed us hope. We have a scan on Friday to determine how everything is going and while my heart so wants this to all be better and kick the odds my head is preparing me the other option.

When you sit through all the counselling you talk about this as a possibility but it's never a reality. They don't talk about how hard it is hard watching someone else lose your child... no matter how small it is. I cannot do anything.. I cannot change this outcome.. we can do nothing...and I hate that! I won't bleed and I don't feel pregnant and I have to watch this whole process unfold. I guess I can liken it to what Adrian went through watching me with our losses... but there really is no comparison.

I am trying to reason with myself, there must be a problem and it's for the best... well FUCK THE BEST. For a reason WHAT reason??? Why do drug additced, abusive assholes get to have kids when we go through this? It's just not fair!

When do we get cut come slack, all of us...my husband, V, her family! They are doing something so amazing, so unbelievably wonderful and it gets taken away in the blink of an eye. I can handle not being a mum here on earth but I cannot handle my wonderful husband being denied that.

I say again one word... WHY?

Big day...

I would be lying if I said I wad not completely and utterly nervous about today's results. My stomach is churning and my palms.. Well just thinking about the phone call... I feel sick!

I spent ages again on Google last night finding so many positive stories similar to ours with healthy babies at the end. I hope with everything that is us!

Please little one find enough strength in you to keep going. We understand it might be too hard for you but just one last try... please!!

The last few days is a blur...

Being completely honest things have turned to shit! I am in a perpetual state of nothingness and the cloud is back, for good this time at least I think anyway.

I caught a train from Strathfield to Canberra on Wednesday night for the Thursday morning scan. I was so tired from a long day and when I finally got to V's she told me the clinic had moved our time to an earlier slot. Great.. lets get it done, enjoy the rest of the day and make sure V does some study for her exam on the weekend!

We went into the scanning room with so much hope. I watched all the measurements just like an expectant father, as the sonogropher tapped away. I watched intently because I kept telling myself if I saw a heartbeat everything would be fine...and after a few minutes I saw it.. the little flicker I saw with Sophie.. so small, so fast, beating away and I relaxed completely. All would be fine I told myself.

The sonographer asked how far we were and it we should be just over 7 weeks... the baby was measuring 6.2 weeks which was a week behind. The more worrying part was it's beautiful little heartbeat. Although it looked like it was beating so fast it is way below what it should be at 94bpm. At this stage it should be 120 at least and that together with the slow growth seems to mean we are waiting for the worst (Sophie's was 128bpm her 6 week scan).

Why does an embryo get this far, get a heartbeat and then go no further! It would have been easier to see an empty sac!

After many tears and hours of Google reading story after story we felt a little better in the knowledge that it 'may' be ok. The little embie might be on the way 'up' and not on the way down. There are so many happy endings with similar starts.. maybe that will be our ending, a happy one!

We have played Tag with the Dr for a few days and neither of us have spoken to her directly. She managed to get hold of Adrian on Friday and the conversation was more about expecting the worst with the scan results. BUT she had seen cases that turned around and were perfectly normal.

hCG was 21,000 which was great.. it was doing as it should but how is it a week behind?? Tuesday (which is now tomorrow) there are bloods to see any progress and by then if things are ok they will be around 40,000. Depending on that outcome we will be having another scan either later this week or earlier next week.

The only thing I know is this roller coaster is at full speed in such a short time. Is that our answer? We have been behind 'average' most of the way and now it's official we are behind in size and heartbeat. Were we ignoring the obvious all this time? We are all trying to be positive but it's so hard. Positivity means nothing.. it cannot change nor alter this outcome... nature will do as it has always done.

All we can do is hope we are in the up side of these results and moving forward. Tomorrow will be the biggest day so far with all we now know and we will be crossing everything.. by 2pm we will have some sort of answer to this numb limo we are in.. at least that is the only way I can describe it.

Up, up and AWAYYYYY!!!

Well it seems our little friend has settled in quite well and we have now made it over the 6 week mark!!! Wooooo Hoooooo!! To be honest it feels like an eternity has passed with all the worrying we have done. The hormone levels, the Google insults (our own fault of course) and the way too much knowledge we have from life in the baby loss world. Of course we have been secretly screaming inside...this is what we had dreamt of, longed for and it's finally happening! But we have certainly been holding our breath these last few weeks.

It's really hard to explain unless you have lost, but it's almost impossible to get emotional to fast because things can go wrong. It's a defence mechanism I wish I didn't have or need. We knew very early we were pregnant with Sophie and although we thought we were in the clear it went completely wrong. We also know things are very different this time, V has the perfect bits (unlike me) and there is absolutely no reason why this should not work. But it's still so very hard after heartache.

But as the days tick on we are slowly being released from the grip of uncertainty. I can actually feel a cloud lifting, cliché as that might sound it's real. I am beginning to allow myself to make this real and enjoy the moment.

We have a scan next week (on the 18th) which is really exciting. After just hearing about blood results we will see a real thing on a screen... wow... wow.

Keep happy little one.. you are amazing us already! We can't wait to see you next week.

Bloods again and a fantastic result!!

We spent today with things going on all around us. A handyman came to do some things we were just crap with, and we had a quote for Solar. But when the handyman left we noticed a noise in the Laundry which sounded like sizzling or munching! At first I thought it was mice in the wall but then I noticed water dripping down towards the power point! We quickly called the handyman who high tailed it back and cut a hole in the wall and see 2 holes drilled into the water pipe! So emergency plumber could not come and now we have no water for the next 18 hours :( Cooking dinner tonight was not the most ideal without WATER!

Anyway in the midst of all this V called for her results. I am sure she will be sick of that place by the time we are handed over to the next phase! Her hCG was 2450 today which is FANTASTIC!! YAYYYY and double YAYYYYYYY. Things are moving along well.. just keep growing little munchkin :)

Another test on Tuesday then who knows! When do we get to the good stuff? Bring on week 7!

We are going to see V, her DH, DS and DD next week. We are giving them a night free pass on one of the nights. We have to be able to do something at the moment!!

Tuesday has finally come around.

So it got the better of V yesterday and she went out and got this high tech fan dangled version of the 'pee on a stick' tests. This one reads hormone levels and actually tells you how far you are which is pretty impressive. The result was below and showed her at being around more than 5 weeks which is what she should be if all is well. It has given us both a little relief in this madness, but this afternoon's results will be the reality we have been waiting for. Sooooo nervous this day is taking forever!

Time lapse of a few hours...

Just got off the phone from V and all is looking good! What were we worried about!? hCG is at 1295 which brings it back into the 'normal' area. Keeping with the graph again this one shows we are still behind but as usual this is an average and we are all different! Bloods again on Thurs again to see the levels :))))))

PS.. this should have been posted yesterday but I forgot to publish :( Better late than never!!

Labrodor Rescue

We have a bit of a farm at our place and enjoy having animals arounds us. In an effort to add a little bit of Karma into our house this year we signed up to foster Labbies until they find their forever home. So far we have helped out 4 dogs (one puppy we kept) and on Thurs night we got our 5th! Nala a 7 month old female who's family just didn't have time for her :( She's lovely but full of life! She's enjoying playing with our Bella that's for sure!

We also added to the bunnies space...they don't know what to do with themselves now!


Certainly helping me to pass the time... Tuesday seems so far away even now!