Friday, October 28, 2011

Hard to stay positive

So this clinic just called me about the defrosting. There is a form we have to sign each cycle that tells them how many embryos you would like them to thaw to get a healthy and happy embie. I remember putting in this one 4 thinking well if we get down to it surely that's just back up and there they will still be able find survivors. WELL the call set me back.They have thawed all 4 as the first few were not looking great after the defrost!

The comment was they probably won't survive, well at least one will hopefully... How do we go from 7 to 3 in one day??? That took me months of hard IVF to get that little lot and they are gone? How flat, beaten and completely un womanly do I feel now. This baby making thing is supposed to be natural and easy but for some of us it's HARD and UNFAIR.

I try and keep my feelings of  worthlessness under wraps but it's days like these that they come steamrolling over me again. The hospital system took our daughter from us and my possibility of ever carrying a child. They knew the risks and they 'waited'. That wait cost us more than anyone could ever know.

Then rules and red tape of Surrogacy in NSW made us go through IVF to freeze for 'quarantine' and now we are 2 years on.

It's truly hard to focus on the positive when all that seems to be thrown to us is the complete opposite. It's hard to see we have 4 embryos left.. one surviving the freeze (hopefully) for the transfer tomorrow...but the reality is none of them may survive.

I keep thinking about the IVF Dr who kept telling us 'one embryo, one baby'. It makes complete sense unless you step into our shoes and then nothing makes sense and statistics mean nothing. 30% this, 30% that.. I am sick of hearing about odds. We got them from every angle with Sophie and now again we hear them. It's almost a way of Dr's justifying themselves and their profession.

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