Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What can you say?

Right now I feel like I have been run over by a truck.  hCG was 25,000 and Progesterone was 24 which means that we are on the downhill slide as predicted and the 'LT' as V has been calling it is leaving us. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

The Dr still tells us there is hope but after 5 days of ups and downs and then seeing the blood results there is no hope. Things don't turn around at this point and I would rather honesty than feed us hope. We have a scan on Friday to determine how everything is going and while my heart so wants this to all be better and kick the odds my head is preparing me the other option.

When you sit through all the counselling you talk about this as a possibility but it's never a reality. They don't talk about how hard it is hard watching someone else lose your child... no matter how small it is. I cannot do anything.. I cannot change this outcome.. we can do nothing...and I hate that! I won't bleed and I don't feel pregnant and I have to watch this whole process unfold. I guess I can liken it to what Adrian went through watching me with our losses... but there really is no comparison.

I am trying to reason with myself, there must be a problem and it's for the best... well FUCK THE BEST. For a reason WHAT reason??? Why do drug additced, abusive assholes get to have kids when we go through this? It's just not fair!

When do we get cut come slack, all of husband, V, her family! They are doing something so amazing, so unbelievably wonderful and it gets taken away in the blink of an eye. I can handle not being a mum here on earth but I cannot handle my wonderful husband being denied that.

I say again one word... WHY?

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