Monday, May 23, 2011

The last few days is a blur...

Being completely honest things have turned to shit! I am in a perpetual state of nothingness and the cloud is back, for good this time at least I think anyway.

I caught a train from Strathfield to Canberra on Wednesday night for the Thursday morning scan. I was so tired from a long day and when I finally got to V's she told me the clinic had moved our time to an earlier slot. Great.. lets get it done, enjoy the rest of the day and make sure V does some study for her exam on the weekend!

We went into the scanning room with so much hope. I watched all the measurements just like an expectant father, as the sonogropher tapped away. I watched intently because I kept telling myself if I saw a heartbeat everything would be fine...and after a few minutes I saw it.. the little flicker I saw with Sophie.. so small, so fast, beating away and I relaxed completely. All would be fine I told myself.

The sonographer asked how far we were and it we should be just over 7 weeks... the baby was measuring 6.2 weeks which was a week behind. The more worrying part was it's beautiful little heartbeat. Although it looked like it was beating so fast it is way below what it should be at 94bpm. At this stage it should be 120 at least and that together with the slow growth seems to mean we are waiting for the worst (Sophie's was 128bpm her 6 week scan).

Why does an embryo get this far, get a heartbeat and then go no further! It would have been easier to see an empty sac!

After many tears and hours of Google reading story after story we felt a little better in the knowledge that it 'may' be ok. The little embie might be on the way 'up' and not on the way down. There are so many happy endings with similar starts.. maybe that will be our ending, a happy one!

We have played Tag with the Dr for a few days and neither of us have spoken to her directly. She managed to get hold of Adrian on Friday and the conversation was more about expecting the worst with the scan results. BUT she had seen cases that turned around and were perfectly normal.

hCG was 21,000 which was great.. it was doing as it should but how is it a week behind?? Tuesday (which is now tomorrow) there are bloods to see any progress and by then if things are ok they will be around 40,000. Depending on that outcome we will be having another scan either later this week or earlier next week.

The only thing I know is this roller coaster is at full speed in such a short time. Is that our answer? We have been behind 'average' most of the way and now it's official we are behind in size and heartbeat. Were we ignoring the obvious all this time? We are all trying to be positive but it's so hard. Positivity means nothing.. it cannot change nor alter this outcome... nature will do as it has always done.

All we can do is hope we are in the up side of these results and moving forward. Tomorrow will be the biggest day so far with all we now know and we will be crossing everything.. by 2pm we will have some sort of answer to this numb limo we are in.. at least that is the only way I can describe it.

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