Third Time..

Third time lucky.. there I said it. I didn't want to jinx it but it is going to be the third time lucky!

After yesterdays freak out session Adrian called the clinic to be told that 3 survived and 2 had been frozen again! After all that we only lost the one. I am still confused as to why it all happened but in any case we managed to get a happy little embie for the transfer.

Unfortunately or fortunately for V I am sick and stuck in Sydney so she had to go it alone for the transfer today. After doing it a few times she was comfortable with it and she had very few nerves this time. It's such a quick session for such an amazing outcome when you think about it.

V called me after around 2.20pm to tell me everything went smoothly and that the little embryo was hatching already. That is a good sign as cracking that shell seems to be a hard task and it was doing it in a dish so it's surely got to love the new cosy environment it is now in!

Sticky thoughts little embie...find that perfect place and latch on. We are all waiting for you out here in the big world to join us!

Hard to stay positive

So this clinic just called me about the defrosting. There is a form we have to sign each cycle that tells them how many embryos you would like them to thaw to get a healthy and happy embie. I remember putting in this one 4 thinking well if we get down to it surely that's just back up and there they will still be able find survivors. WELL the call set me back.They have thawed all 4 as the first few were not looking great after the defrost!

The comment was they probably won't survive, well at least one will hopefully... How do we go from 7 to 3 in one day??? That took me months of hard IVF to get that little lot and they are gone? How flat, beaten and completely un womanly do I feel now. This baby making thing is supposed to be natural and easy but for some of us it's HARD and UNFAIR.

I try and keep my feelings of  worthlessness under wraps but it's days like these that they come steamrolling over me again. The hospital system took our daughter from us and my possibility of ever carrying a child. They knew the risks and they 'waited'. That wait cost us more than anyone could ever know.

Then rules and red tape of Surrogacy in NSW made us go through IVF to freeze for 'quarantine' and now we are 2 years on.

It's truly hard to focus on the positive when all that seems to be thrown to us is the complete opposite. It's hard to see we have 4 embryos left.. one surviving the freeze (hopefully) for the transfer tomorrow...but the reality is none of them may survive.

I keep thinking about the IVF Dr who kept telling us 'one embryo, one baby'. It makes complete sense unless you step into our shoes and then nothing makes sense and statistics mean nothing. 30% this, 30% that.. I am sick of hearing about odds. We got them from every angle with Sophie and now again we hear them. It's almost a way of Dr's justifying themselves and their profession.

Negative :(

We had a negative with the transfer but I forgot to post as usual! It sucks but there are worse things, much worse. While it is hard to be on this roller coaster when we are on it, strapped in there is always a chance.

At least this time around the negative meant if V was OK things should run fairly smoothly for another transfer and fortunately she is and we are doing another one tomorrow!

The wait game...

Well we got through it!

The Dr was late which made things seem worse. Thank goodness to V's new smartphone to keep her occupied.. and me.. well I just sat and sat and sat. When I am really nervous I can't speak so you can imagine how quiet this waiting room was. Still it's not the place for much conversation because everyone is so nervous!

The procedure went fast again although this time there was no pain for V which is nice! Last time there was a grabber and that was not so nice :( The tube was checked to make sure it had actually been 'placed' and we were off again! It seriously is such a small quick process for something so HUGE.

So we wait again! This bit ISSSSSSS painful and there is nothing you can do. It's up to the embie and the environment to get comfortable, nothing more. No drugs, no science, no prayers, it's nature and the human race will never truly understand why it works or it doesn't.

V has a blood test tomorrow to see if there are any hormones.. cross everything for us!!

Omg

So nervous this time around. I feel completely sick. And I know it's not the enormous cheesecake I just had!!

V and I are trying to pass the time but it's taking sooooo long 

Round two...

Today is transfer day and implant day... (thinking positively!!) It seems like an eternity to get here but we made it. The roller coaster continued but we are here again!

Sticky thoughts.. Positive thoughts.

1.30pm here we come!!

Goodbye little one...

I have not wanted to write this last week because to be honest it has been completely shite. The worst was confirmed at the ultrasound. Baby Raftery had not grown past 6.3 days and there was no heartbeat. There it was in black and white, the same picture we saw the week before but no movement. I wanted to yell out and question the sonographer but what good would that do? Are you sure.. maybe you're not doing it right? You make mistakes too...just move the probe back a little.. I am sure I saw something! I wish I saw something..I am sure I saw something flicker...

We were supposed to be over 8 weeks and looking forward to the 12 week scan but were saying goodbye.

I waited for the call from V all week which was excruciating. You know it is going to happen but it's still longest wait.. at least it was only a week. She starter spotting on Thursday which meant no need for the D&C which was booked on Friday... but nothing really started until Friday night, and it really started.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. People can tell you what will happen but your natural instinct is to blow it off. V freaked out. I knew what could happen but I freaked out and jumped in the car for Canberra. I had had a busy week.. I was tired but this was way too important to not go. I needed to be there.. this was our baby.. our flesh and blood and I needed to be there.

The hours were slow and I was off the planet...the drive seemed like an eternity.

By the time I arrived V had a clam about her I had not seen before. She had never been here before either and didn't really know what to expect. The bleeding had escalated to almost and emergency visit, then just as it began subsided and all was ok.

I was able to help in a small way by taking to kids out the next day and letting V sleep, have drugs and relax. I can't help her go through this but I can be there if that makes sense. But it is hard...

The Dr said there is no reason, these things 'just happen' and again we were given the typical 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I for one am completely sick of hearing that statistic. They think if they give you this information everything will be ok.. but it's not and it changes nothing.

Thanks for the therapy but we already know this. We have lived and breathed it all before and this path has attempted to comfort us too many times. It seems to me a way the medical field tries to calm you down when the worst happens.

When we lost Sophie they gave us the '6 babies are stillborn every day in Australia'. Seriously, is that supposed to help? Should that calm you down when you are holding a baby in your arms who's eyes you will never see? Well fortunately (or unfortunately) it did initially. We were grasping at anything to help the pain, to try and understand what happened. But it should never have happened.. never ever.

So for me at least stats no longer hold up (I can't speak for my Husband who is still ever hopeful in everything in life). Statistics are all bullshit and averages never apply to me. I was 1 in 150,000 to rupture.  I survived when my husband was told I had a 50:50 chance to live the catastrophe. I have about a 98% chance I will rupture if I ever tried to carry again.

You know what pisses me off even more? No mater what we have endured we STILL have a 1 in 4 chance of miscarriage! I have to hope that the universe is good to us.. good to us all next time.. if we get a next time. I can't say I believe in God after all that has happened.. I didn't after losing Sophie if I am completely honest.

This is tiring and emotional and NOT FAIR. Just give us a chance universe.. one chance.